Sorry, Not Sorry

Sorry, Not Sorry

(I Ching, Abundance 55)

I was in the co-op yesterday getting some bulk items, and there was a young mother at the herb station talking to her small child. I overheard her say, “You don’t have to say you are sorry for that, that isn’t the right way to use that phrase.”

I was struck with the present moment awareness and connection that this young woman had with her daughter.

A couple of years ago, I was in the library studying my Human Design information when I heard a woman sneeze a few times while she was working in the coffee shop portion of the library.

Every time she sneezed, she would say, “I’m sorry.”.

I felt my body tense up and I became angry.

Why was she apologizing for her sneezing? It’s a bodily function that is uncontrollable. It’s called being human.

I’m sorry?

No…as women, we do not need to be sorry for breathing, sneezing and generally taking our rightful place here on earth.

After I left the library that day, I went to the grocery to grab some things for the weekend.

I was in the liquor section of the store, staring at the big selection of beer trying to figure out where Shayne’s Session IPA was hiding.

A woman walked in front of me while I was staring at the beer wall and she said, “I’m sorry.”

My stomach lurched.

As she continued to walk down the aisle, she stopped, and turned around and said,

“Why did I say I’m sorry? I should have just said ‘excuse me’.”

I nodded.

“Yes, that was all that would have been required, if that…”

And she turned around and continued on her way.

Yesterday, I walked up to the young mother and thanked her for allowing me to witness her teaching moment to her baby daughter.

She replied, “My grandmother taught me that…she taught me to know when to say “I’m sorry,” and when not to. So many women unconsciously apologize for their existence, you know?”

Yes, I know.

And she went on to say that her generation is interested in freedom. Real freedom.

They want to rid themselves of the shackles that victimization ensures to keep those with a ‘sorry’ attitude enslaved.

Often, when I meet someone, I listen to what they say.

I mean, REALLY listen to the words they use.

Do they complain a lot? Do they cast themselves as the perpetual victim of life?

Do they blame others or things for their lot in life?

Do they say “I’m sorry,” all of the time? Do they say it to move on and not examine what it even is that they are sorry for?

When I meet someone like this, I understand I’m dealing with a prisoner. They are imprisoned and most of the time, they don’t even know they are locked up.

That young mother yesterday understood on a very deep level that casting yourself as the perpetual victim is the pathway to your own personal prison.

Watch how many times you reach for “I’m sorry,” today when it isn’t called for.

Become aware of it…contemplate it.

What are you sorry for? Why are you so sorry?

When you identify as a victim…well, that’s the only movie you get to watch.

Yuck.

This simple understanding can radically change your life.

Say I’m Sorry when you have hurt someone, or in empathy with them over a loss of some sort.

If you hurt someone, either knowingly or unknowingly, change your behavior if its warranted; sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t.

Know the difference.

But don’t say I’m Sorry when you are merely taking up the space required to live your life.

Or you want to gloss over a disagreement where true change needs to happen, and you just want things to feel ok again.

I’m Sorry, and your use of it,  is a key to finding your personal freedom and walking towards an abundant and joyful life.

Blessings…

Becoming Full-Fledged

Becoming Full-Fledged

When I was five, we lived in a modest, 1970’s neighborhood and our next door neighbor was a magician. I believed in magic at five, and when I saw him pull a bird out of hat, I was convinced he could turn me into a bird.

One afternoon, he promised the neighborhood kids a casual magic show, and I remember waiting for hours for him to emerge from his front door. There was a chain-link fence separating our yards, and like a prisoner hanging on to the bars that separates ‘us from them’, I patiently waited for my shot at flying freedom.

As I was sitting on the ground, I remember thinking about being able to fly, and what that would really mean. Once I was turned into a bird, I planned on taking flight around the neighborhood, and imagined what my little world looked like from that higher perspective.

Then the thoughts of flying further crept in…and the possibility of flying out of range of my neighborhood and leaving my family.

Perhaps for good.

I pondered on this…and remember deciding it would be worth leaving to see and experience the freedom of unfettered flight.

He finally emerged from his front door, and by this time, there was quite the crowd of kids milling about the yard.

I walked over, sat down on his lawn and waited for the right time to ask him to please turn me into a bird.

In about a minute, I felt my anticipation climb to the highest peak known to me at that time only to have it come crashing down to earth when he told me his brand of magic didn’t include turning cute five-year-old girls into birds.

I was crushed.

Looking back, I realize that this moment in my life was the beginning of my spiritual search for freedom.

I took the freedom of flight literally as all children do as they begin to accumulate their beliefs about our world.

But flight is available to all of us, in a very real way.

My work as a jewelry designer and Human Design Guide are intimately connected.

I am in the process of becoming a full-fledged human being.

That is the significance of the two birds I use in my branding of Soul to Substance and Stacie Florer Jewelry.

In what context does full-fledged mean to me?

It is about becoming a fully developed person by integrating your survival instincts, ability to reason and conceptualize and to feel what it means to live YOUR life.

Everyone’s path to flight is unique. As a Human Design Guide, I help you discover what it is that is weighing you down and not allowing for lift-off.

As a jewelry designer, I work with metal to embody the dance of light and dark through my use of patina, and to celebrate and explore the long process it takes to become full-fledged as an artist, and as a human being  exploring the concept of creativity and self-expression.

Birds are incredible teachers. They have been my spiritual companions in so many ways over the course of my 51 years.

And that’s why I’ve included them in how I connect with others via my calling as an artist and guide.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving…

Blessings,

Stacie

 

 

 

 

 

Bring Your Beauty To The World

Bring Your Beauty To The World

My friend, Terah Cox, of Heaven and Earthworks, penned a beautiful tag line for my jewelry packaging. I am so happy with what she gifted me in a simple, succinct way to describe what my intention is for those that wear my jewelry, as well as those that I work with as a Human Design Guide.

Bring your beauty to the world, and the world will be more beautiful.

Beauty is the highest frequency of the energy of Creativity, or the first Hexagram of the Chinese I Ching – Ch’ien/The Creative.

I carry this energy in my Personality Mercury and it is what I am tasked with communicating to others from a Human Design perspective. Upon reflection, I know this to be true for myself. Even before I was consciously aware of my purpose of communication, I knew it in my bones.

I’ve written before about people expressing to me, “That I don’ t have a creative bone in my body…” often accompanied with a nervous, self-deprecating laugh. But the frequency I often hear when I am told this, is one tinged with fear, regret and sadness. I know the mask people use to cover their faces when they say this…and it always breaks my heart.

Each of us is creative because we are alive. We create our lives using experiences, beliefs and decisions like a painter uses a canvas, brushes and paint. And if more people understood their divine right to the Creative principle, our world would be more beautiful.

Ch’ien is masculine in nature…it is Yang energy. Ch’ien is the light of the sun that acts upon the earth. It is expansive energy in comparison to Yin, or the feminine principle of receptivity/receding energy. We must, as a culture, stop trying to make these two energies into a competition. They are both necessary. They are, literally, night and day.

As human beings, we are constantly pivoting back and forth between these two poles of energy. In the language of electricity, Yang is positive and Yin is negative. We live with the tension of the two..one turning to the other. One pushes as the other pulls.  I watched a leaf fall yesterday, and depending on your point of view on the process, the tree letting go of the leaf was yang, the leaf falling to the ground turned from Yang to Yin when the ground received it. This constant movement from Yang to Yin is change. Change is life.

In very simple terms, we live in cycles of Yin and Yang. We breathe…we make love…we wake up and go to bed. We count time by these cycles…and they range from milliseconds to millenniums.

Beauty is unity with all that is. Beauty is our birthright. Be-at-unity.

Another word that comes to mind regarding beauty is naturalness.

You know when you are in the presence of someone that according to the idealized cultural idea of beautiful isn’t, but when you are in their presence they are the most beautiful of beings?

These are the people that are embodying their most natural self in their highest expression.

I am so drawn to photos of very old men and women that I find so beautiful because they are naturally themselves. They have achieved unity in all of their parts. They have merged with themselves with total acceptance and awe of their own uniqueness. They carry an energy or frequency that is difficult to capture with words.

They are themselves, and are consciously aware of their unity with all that is. I use patina in my work exclusively as I chase the feelings of unity with one’s environment. This merging…becoming one visually is part of my creative impulse.

Perhaps you can see what I mean here..this feeling of unity when it shows up is captivating to me and is beautiful.

Photo by Riya Kumari from Pexels

In my work as a Human Design Guide, for myself as well as for others, I am focusing on the beginning of this process of unification and merging into the totality. One first has to wake up to the possibility that it is possible to do in this lifetime. But then one must also realize that there is a period of shattering of the illusion that must happen before the parts can merge and become one.

I am in the process personally of whittling away what I’ve accumulated (beliefs and marketing) over time that covers up my naturalness. I want to first isolate what is me, drop what isn’t, then become the totality of my expression as a human being. I am in the process of unification, but it has a certain timing and structure. I know where I am in my own journey, and making jewelry for 15 years has taught me that there are steps that must be taken. Patience is the paint I use in my life to create my own work of art that is my life.

That is the most important part of my own creative process…acting when the time is right, and resting in receptivity trusting that what is without form will eventually emerge from me when the time is right.

Creativity cannot be controlled…it is not a process that can be crammed into an 8 hour day with prescribed lunch breaks and such…It’s there…and then it isn’t. This is the process and timing that must be respected for something fresh to occur.

It is cyclic and I don’t get to control the cycles. None of us do…when you realize that, you can relax in the not doing, or receptive (YIN) portion of the cycle. I believe our culture does a great disservice to many naturally creative people by conditioning them to not embrace their melancholic nature of inaction before action is required. It can feel depressive. It feels like the thrill of action won’t be there, but it will. As long as you wait until its time for it to emerge.

I work alone. I respect my creative process. I carry the energy of the 1.4, which is Aloneness as the medium of creativity. This information is found in the Rave I Ching, in The Definitive Guide of Human Design-The Science of Differentiation by Lynda Bunnell and Ra Uru Hu. 

Beauty has many, many layers of meaning and understanding depending on where you are in your own awakening process.

But this is what I know now…your naturalness is your birthright.  Your naturalness, your synthesis is beautiful.

When you know who you are, and what you are not, that natural you begins to emerge and that is what the world needs.

It needs you to step into yourself.

You are the note that the world needs to hear.

Blessings…

Soul and Substance

Soul and Substance

Hello there!

I thought I would start the night of this New Moon off with a post. When I designed this website, I spent so much time on it night after night, that I just needed to step away for awhile. I communicate quite a bit via my social media channels Instagram @stacieflorer and @soultosubstance, as well as cross-post to my Facebook page StacieFlorerMetalsmith. I haven’t written in long form consistently for years!

This is going to be a re-introduction and random bits about what I’ve been doing and up to. And I mean random!

I want to write more here. I have been in deep introspection and observance mode for a few years now.  I thought I was going to walk away from making jewelry, and explored some areas that interested me to see if I wanted to go further with them. But I just couldn’t get metalworking out of my system. It’s such a part of the way that I process what is going on inside of me and how I work through what I learn in an abstract way. This is just how I am wired.

soul stuff

I have spent the last 3.5 years deep in my experimentation with something called Human Design. It’s a system that I am using to unravel myself from who I always thought I was and discovering what is consistent about my how I interact with others and what I am here to express.  I am in the LONG process of throwing out some old beliefs about myself, and replacing them with first-hand knowledge. And I’m not going to sugar-coat this..it’s been hella-hard.

I’m slowly shifting from an “I believe’ worldview to a “I know or don’t know” worldview. it’s difficult to challenge your beliefs and to see them for what they are, and to understand how much power a belief has over you. Many of the beliefs I have held on tightly to are just not true, but me ‘believing’ them caused a lot of pain and suffering.  If you think challenging your beliefs are hard, wait until you start thinking that even having beliefs is not the way to go. That’s what I’ve been pondering, and I found a video online this morning where the Sadhguru says in a beautiful way what I’ve been contemplating for a while now.

High points of this video…

  1. I’m Alive
  2. My important people are still Alive
  3. Practice being Aware once an hour
  4. What do I know? I’m mortal.
  5. Do the Best Things..Nothing other than that because I could be dead in the morning.
  6. Brief life if joyful…Long life if you are miserable.
  7. Do what matters and quit doing bullshit things that don’t matter.
  8. How alive am I? Aim for 100%.
  9. If you want to torture someone, you don’t kill them…you keep them 1/2 alive.
  10. What do I know about Self-Torture?
  11. Aim for being a fully-fledged human.
  12. Experience comes from within and is reflected outward.
  13. Awareness is the essential ingredient of the life.

Substance Stuff

So in June, I decided to leave my home studio and move it to downtown Roanoke. I found an amazing place that was very affordable, and it has the most beautiful natural light. There really is something quite special in having a place of your own. All decisions are mine…I arrange my creative environment to suit me. I love it.

And it has lit a fire under me in regard to my creativity. I like to work alone. In my Human Design chart, I carry and energy called The Creative-Self Expression. It is about creation as a primal force. It’s the prime mover in our system of reality and very YANG. Yang is an ancient Asian philosophy describing the energy of the active male principle. It is penetrating energy, and my particular bent with this energy has to do with aloneness as the medium of my ability to create. I have to show up though…in an environment that I love. Even if I don’t have a creative idea in my body…if I show up, something happens. Magic.

I am not really alone…I am in communication with that inner portion of me that takes information in, and then I try to put it together into some sort of a deeper understanding about living…about being aware. My work right now is following two tracks. One is articulation. My jewelry moves… and I am purposely chasing after a sculptural quality with my designs. It is hard for me to communicate with words what I am trying to express in metal. Or maybe its the other way around…perhaps I need to express myself in metal before I can get to the words. I don’t know yet…but what I do know is that my work reflects themes and patterns in in my life.

The other track has to do with impressions.

The botanical impressions I know come from my intense study of my yard at home. And my total passion of anything Jane Austen related. English cottage gardens…insects and birds. The natural world is a subject that I spend a lot of time contemplating. The lessons…the beauty…and the self-expression of each form of life.

My impressions in the form of Native American metal stampings have something to do with exploring my own DNA heritage (Cherokee) and bringing forward older ways of doing things from a tribal perspective. Tribal energy is also a big deal in my Human Design Chart as it relates to caring for others young and old, defining my core values and what i want to ‘pass on’ to those in my environment and in my care, as well as connecting with others via my life-force energy. Tribal energy is all about protection, taking care of others, passing on knowledge and wisdom from life’s experiences and fertility in deals and bonds made and broken. It’s a very close energy…and for those of you that know me personally, you can probably attest to my nurturing ways with you.

Another facet of my work that is emerging in form is the way that we are conditioned by others and our culture. This idea of being totally receptive to the ‘others’ that imprint us with what they know fascinates me. Also, as I journeyed through my own menopause, I have noticed that for large amounts of time, I don’t seem to think about anything at all. There is a lot of emptiness within that I’ve never experienced before. It’s a not-knowing and an active way of just being in receptive mode. I’m waiting for whatever shows up. Often, I don’t feel compelled to fill myself up with bullshit to distract myself. I am finding myself content to just ‘be’. It’s weird..I don’t know if I am explaining that in a way that you can relate to or not. I think it may have something to do with not swimming in hormones anymore, but I just don’t know. I remember what I need to, when my environment changes and it becomes necessary to remember; and I don’t think about stuff or worry over things as much anymore. If it isn’t essential for me to deal with in the moment, I have developed an amazing capacity for not even thinking about it until I have to. And I TRUST it.

Here’s an example about how I am exploring these themes via my work…

Personal Stuff

I am swimming a few times a week and loving it! I turned 51 in October and had a great birthday…I think my 50’s are going to be wonderful! I became a Certified Human Design Guide a few months ago, and am working with some amazing people as they go on their own journey into self-awareness. What a gift to be able to be a part of someone’s own journey…truly humbled by it. Sadie has Cushings and Diabetes but we are managing her condition quite nicely. I decided to stick with Etsy right now for my shop because of the recent changes they have implemented. We’ll see how that goes. I love my house, and we are getting gas logs in a few weeks, just in time for winter. We will also have natural gas grill right outside on our screened in porch! Squeal! And I am getting my front yard worked on by a professional landscaper to take care of some drainage issues those lovely floods highlighted this year. Nothing serious, but never neglect your drainage!

Blessings on your journey…you DESERVE your journey!

Re-imagining My Life

Re-imagining My Life

Soul to Substance with Stacie Florer is now live!

Finally, after 10 years…I have figured out how to combine my love of self-expression by making jewelry (my substance) with my passion of connecting with people on a Soul level..

I have spent the last few years studying about and becoming a certified Human Design Guide.

A few weeks ago I attended my last class for my certification, and began working on this website to reflect the direction my life is moving towards.

I also moved my studio out of my house, and found an amazing little space in downtown Roanoke to work out of! And…I joined the local YMCA and every afternoon I walk across the street and swim for an hour.

The story about the true-me that I have worked hard to uncover from the not-me facade is beginning to emerge in a very physical way.

I needed an outlet for my creativity as well as a means to get some exercise in a form that I love.

And it all came about in an organic way by following my strategy of staying in response to life. I’ll write about that later this week.

I feel so much better on so many levels…and my life has the differentiation and structure that is correct for me.

I am about to dash off to my studio, but this morning I wanted to check in and get this new website up and running. I will be fiddling with it as I move forward, and showing up here to write more about my work as a Guide and Artist.

But for now…hello again…

And thank you for the love and support so many of you have expressed via my instagram feed while I’ve processed and changed over the last couple of years.

XO!

 

 

 

 

 

Sacred Blend

Sacred Blend

 

My mother is the family historian. She has spent hours looking into the details of where our ancestors came from, and imagines what their life was like back in the day.

From what I can put together, my DNA is a sacred blend of of tribal ancestry and Britannia comprised of Cherokee, Ouachita or Caddo, English and possibly Scottish. One thing is for certain–there are many grafts in my diverse family tree!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve primarily had two great interests: All things Great Britain, and all things Native American.

The first foreign country I traveled to was Great Britain. I spent many hours just walking the lanes and countryside of England, Scotland and Ireland. Rounding a bend and seeing a great castle or grand home captivated my imagination about what it was to live in such an enchanting, albeit harsh, environment depending on your socio-economic status.

I’m a Jane Austen addict…I have watched every version of Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Emma and Persuasion ever made…and I never tire of them.

I love the architecture of the period and the clothing…the hanging of herbs out to dry and the English country gardens.

When Daniel Day Lewis starred with Russell Means, Wes Studi, Eric Schweig and Madeline Stow in The Last of the Mohicans, it was the cinematic jackpot for me. Any movie where these two wildly different cultures interact and I can witness a small slice of the dynamics in creating a melting pot with different collective, individual and tribal ideals is something that I’ve always, always, been interested in.

I have spent a lot of time in the Southeast and the Southwest…walking over land that has been inhabited for thousands of years, peering into the remnants of the past where life was lived closer to the ground and there wasn’t much sense of ‘the future’, since the present took care of it. I imagine this period of time where bodies lived close together and care and respect for the young ones and elderly was considered a primary responsibility for the continuity of the tribe.

I am equally at home in a refined hotel lobby sipping tea at 4pm or out in the woods, observing nature and merging with it. I contemplate both sides of this cultural coin daily…mostly through my work as a jewelry designer and also as an up and coming Human Design Analyst.

I was reading yesterday where the respected Native American metalsmith, Ben Nighthorse Campbell, learned how to incorporate sword-making techniques from Japan in order to more fully express his ideas of Native American art jewelry into the world. Native American metalsmith’s from the Southwest learned their craft from the Spanish traders and explorers that traveled through…and on and on it goes.

I’ve picked up ideas and techniques from everyone that I’ve interacted with and merged them together into a particular expression of what interests me…that is how evolution works.

Life on this planet depends on interaction and trading…viruses and bacteria are always looking for ways to grow and evolve by hitching a ride on us, and exchanging their biological information with other bacteria and viruses they come in contact with. Our planet, like a single cell, is constantly exchanging material with what falls to earth from space, and our oceans send bacteria back out into space via atmospheric cloud making…this exchange is what LIFE is.

I embrace this exchange in all of its forms. Every culture appropriates from other cultures. Every cellular form of life appropriates genetic material from the others it encounters. I appropriate certain energies from all the people that I come into contact via my electromagnetic aura…or invisible skin. And so do you.

To not do this is DEATH. This exchange is the only way something NEW comes into being via evolution. Nature is all about appropriation.

I’m not naive enough to believe that appropriation shouldn’t at least involve attribution…in the economic sense, as well as the creative sense too…acknowledging that you are evolving something you feel inclined to express because of an interaction you had with someone else feels like good karma to me. That part of appropriation is still being worked out in the monetary sense as our world becomes much smaller.

But I believe the wrong way to go about it is to STOP it altogether.

One more short story about this from my own backyard…

The other day I was feeding my jays and crows their morning snack of unshelled raw peanuts. While I was still outside, I heard the call of a hawk right over my head. I looked up and didn’t spot the hawk, but I did see a blue jay. As I watched him, I observed him open his mouth and perfectly mimic the sound of a bird of prey. He was trying to scare away a couple of squirrels that were grabbing the nuts by using another voice.

Appropriation in action…right in my backyard.

My Story (Part 2)

My Story (Part 2)

This is a series of posts sharing about my journey into discovering my Human Design Mechanics. 

When I decided to leave the boating world, I moved back to my home state of Arkansas. I reconnected with an old boyfriend I had all through high school, and thought it ‘was time’ to settle down and ‘get serious’ about my life.

I remember, at 25 years of age, feeling this intense pressure to stop traveling and enjoying myself doing what I absolutely loved; and instead, go to college, get married and get busy with starting a family.

Looking back at that time…it wasn’t what I really wanted to do; it was something that I felt I was supposed to do.

That is called conditioning, and we all are conditioned in certain ways for behaviors and decision-making that are not really coming from the core of who we are. Even though my boyfriend was an amazing young man, he started trying to control what I said or shared with those that we started to form friendships with together as a couple.

He didn’t have much curiosity about what I did for those few years I traveled, who I met or where I traveled. He wanted to pick right up from where we stopped when I was 19 or so, which felt disempowering to me at the time.

We stayed together for a few months, then broke up when we determined we had grown too far apart, and I found out he was still in love with his ex-wife.

I was devastated, and confused about what to do next.

I remember going to the bookstore and picking up one of those self-help books about making the life you want by setting goals and pushing for the what you want.

What I really wanted was to experience the synchronistic lifestyle that I lived for those few magical years while I was traveling; but again, I didn’t understand the mechanics about how I had achieved that at the time.

Now I know.

I am designed to respond to life, not initiate things. If I want to experience something in particular, it is not so much up to me to decide how that comes into my life, but I wait and see what I respond to and that wanted experience happens in such a way that far surpasses any expectations I might have tried to form.

When I push, or initiate action when not in response, I run into all sorts of problems.

I decided at that time in my life to pursue a career in sales. So I pushed, pushed, pushed according to the principles in that book I bought.

I thought I wanted to sell cosmetology products to salons, since I had been trained as a hairdresser right out of high school, and I approached a company that used to call on the salon I worked in a few years earlier.

The owner said he was going to open up a sales territory in Memphis, TN and that he would hire me to get it going. At the time, I thought pushing was working out in my favor!

I took out a small loan from a bank to pay for the move, and moved into an apartment in Memphis to start my new job.

A few months later, my boss informs me that the company is folding up and that my services were no longer needed. I was out of a job in my new city; I had a loan payment and fairly high rent to pay and I was absolutely alone.

In my loneliness, I decided to initiate action to get a dog from the pound. I went to the pound, and fell in love with a skinny mutt that looked like a little fox. I took her home, and a week later she was dead from undiagnosed distemper.

By this time I was really panicked. I couldn’t find a job and I had bills due. So, I hawked anything and everything (which was not much)  I had so that I could pay my rent. The only thing I had left in my apartment was an ironing board and my bed, and I used the ironing board as my table.

It was a terrifically low point in my life. I lived next to a really nice neighborhood and would often walk around it, dreaming about living in a home with furniture and not feeling terrified about how to take care of myself.

At this point, I was feeling the crunch of bills needing to be paid, and without a college education or any marketable skills for dry land, I decided to approach restaurants and try and get a waitressing job.

I landed one, and ended up in a relationship with someone that was a customer that turned out to be another disaster. I was married to him for a year, and ended up leaving him when I realized that it wasn’t normal to be timed when I went to the grocery store to see if I was out screwing someone else.

I remember leaving Memphis and throwing my wedding ring out the window as I was crossing the Mississippi River, determined to try and figure out where I went so wrong. What was I doing that made life so hard after experiencing a life that was so easy and effortless?

What was the secret sauce?

I have been looking for the answer to that question for myself for 30 years. A couple of years ago, I was introduced to a system that immediately resonated with me and that system of understanding yourself is called Human Design. 

I am a being that is designed to live in RESPONSE to what life brings me, and not initiate.


By responding to my environment and waiting for opportunities to come toward me instead of me chasing them, life works with a rhythm and synchronicity that feels more like floating down a river and enjoying the ride and view, instead of paddling upstream, exhausted and frustrated because you are going nowhere.

I learned early in my adult life that pushing and initiating didn’t seem to get me far. I recognized it, but didn’t know what to do about it.

I felt like something was terribly wrong with me because I wasn’t seeing the same sort of success and satisfaction from my life that my some of my peers and family were…it was a difficult time for me before I was 30.

It was an intense time of trial and error…seeing what worked and what didn’t, trying to figure out why I was having such extreme experiences! And why was I always moving? My life up to that point was also about moving…moving…moving!

Before I left for the boats, I lived in Chicago and several other places in Arkansas. My life was in a constant state of flux.

So many things about my life fell into place once I learned how I operate consciously, as well as unconsciously.

In my next post, I will share how I met Shayne and why I believe our relationship has stayed the course based on what I know now about our shared mechanics.

XO!

My Story (Part 1)

“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!” ― C. JoyBell C.

There is so much that I want to share here, but nobody likes long posts anymore, so I thought I would start a series of short posts…and describe to those of you that are interested a story of transformation and what it looks like from the inside out. 

It’s a long story…but I think a really good one!

My story of awakening to who I am began about 30 years ago. For me, it was an opening of sorts, a seeing around the edges of the reality that we have all pretty much agreed to participate in, but I saw something else operating that puzzled me.

I had no framework to put my experiences in when I first became aware of life bringing me what I needed, without much effort, or any really, on my part.

When I was around 21, I was watching an Oprah show about the men in Alaska, and what life was like for women that chose to live there.

I wanted to go and see it for myself…but how?

I had no money, no formal education and I had never been further west than Oklahoma.

How would I get there? What would I do when I got there? How would I take care of myself?

I had no answers. I had no pathway…I just juiced my desire with lots of emotional energy and let it go.

About two weeks later, I was at the mall and ran into a good friend from High School. She asked me to eat lunch with her, and I responded with an enthusiastic yes.

As we were eating, a guy walks by and recognizes my friend, and she asks him to join us. He does…and my life changed in an instant.

I noticed he had a carabiner hanging from his belt loop. It’s a little tool that rock climbers use, and as I had been rappelling with my step-brother at the time, I asked him if he was a climber too.

He said no, he didn’t use if for rock climbing, he used it to strap into a sling when he was working as a deckhand on a small ship in Alaska for putting bow plates on when the ship experienced rough weather.

My heart stopped…he worked on a small ship in Alaska? An opportunity!

I quizzed him further about how one gets a job on a small ship like the one he worked on, and he wrote down the name of a woman to contact in Seattle, and so I did.

A few months later, I was working on a ship in Alaska. I was making good money, I loved the ocean and the people that I worked with, and I saw all of Southeast Alaska over a period of two years.

During that magical time in my life, I responded to opportunities that life brought to me and used that as my navigation system. It was an effortless and zen way of living that stayed with me…but when I came back to Arkansas after that two years, my magical way of living came to an abrupt halt.

I went against my mechanics…and I paid a big price for that…

I succumbed to the conditioned idea that in order to make something of myself, I needed to push for what I wanted, instead of wait and let life bring me opportunities and feel whether or not they were the ‘right’ opportunities for me over time.

My life took a turn for the worst…and I made a series of mistakes that took years to overcome.

In my next post, I will discuss what those mistakes were, what I mean about ‘my mechanics’ and how my life experiences served to teach me how to live as myself. 

It took about 30 years for my ‘AHA!’ moment…and I want to give you some of my backstory so you can see the progression and what led me to where I am now. 

XO!

First week in home studio

“This is the real secret of life — to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play.” ― Alan W. Watts

This was my first week in the studio in over two years!

It wasn’t as productive as I would have hoped for, but I really enjoyed being back ‘at it’.

Something that I’ve learned about myself via my own experience as well as through Human Design, is that I am the most creative when working alone.

Many years ago, when I was grappling with the idea of what to do creatively, I was suffering from intense anxiety.

I was at a crossroads in my life…I had a job that paid very well, but it was not satisfying at all. I felt a pull towards something, but was frustrated because I didn’t know where the pull was coming from, nor what it was compelling me to do.

When we were still living in Oregon, I was walking downtown in Springfield on my lunch break, and happened upon a jeweler who was working at his bench. I could see him through the window of his shop, and something just clicked. That’s what I want to do. That is my IT!

What was it that I reacted to so strongly?

He was alone and immersed in his creativity to the exclusion of everyone else. I could see him…observe his process…but he was so immersed I was invisible to him.

As children, if we had a decent childhood, we natively understood play. Playing is often a solitary activity that allows for complete immersion in the here and now. It’s the closest I’ve really ever come to understanding true communion with the source of where I believe I came from.

Play is the doorway to enter into the space where one’s purpose can be found.

When my anxiety was so debilitating, I went to see a therapist. After about 5 sessions, she told me something that has stuck with me and that I’ve shared with those that are interested in arresting their own anxiety about this idea of purpose.

She said, “When you don’t have to do anything, like housework or other life responsibilities, observe where you tend to spend the most of your time and follow that. Do more of that…that will lead you to your purpose.”

After that session, I never went back.

Anxiety is our mind reacting to fear about the future. When you are immersed in the present, you teach your mind to stay where it belongs…right here, right now.

So go play…and see where it leads!

New Beginnings

Live from yourself and you will have no problem deciding between right and wrong. Only the self-divided must make painful choices. A carnation never chooses because it never tries to prove it is a lily. Vernon Howard

New beginnings are about not playing it safe. At least, that’s been my own experience, and I seem to attract new beginnings.

I carry the 3 in my Human Design chart in both my Personality Earth sign, and in my North Node. New Beginning energy is, and has been, a huge part of my life.

According to the I Ching, or Book of Changes, Hexagram 3 is about the energy needed to sprout. If you think about that, an enormous amount of energy is required to break through the surface towards the sun. However, before that can happen, a lot of energy is required for a root system to grow first.

That desire to anchor oneself first before upward growth can occur has played a huge part in my life over the last few years, and it took me until the last couple to understand it from an experiential perspective.

I am rooted, and this year feels like the time to reach for the sun.

As I look back, I see that the last 10 years have involved great growth, but it was in fits and starts. There was no tap root, and the wind carried away my efforts as far as building a business around fabricating jewelry when it blew hard enough.

I was so expended…and exhausted from it all.

It takes a solid commitment to Self, a peculiar constancy, to stay the course when it comes to living as a creative person. I believe creativity applies to all areas of our experiences…not just making stuff.

Anyway…

I will no longer be working at the Natural Foods store as a salesperson, and instead, I will be handling the marketing of the store on a part/part-time basis from my office at home. I decided, and embraced, the opportunity to go full-monty with my jewelry business as well as what I am starting as far as becoming a Human Design Guide.

But I needed the flexibility and the time to work from home full-time to do this the right way.

I attend a spiritual group once a week, and a few weeks ago, a member of the group remarked that sometimes we may find ourselves in the middle of an answered prayer while waiting for our prayers to be answered.

That so resonated with me…I needed more flexibility, but didn’t want to sever my connection to my part-time job because I love it, along with the people that I work with. I talked to the owner, and we came to an agreement that I believe will work to the best interest of us both.

Emotionally, I knew that it was time to make a new start, and by honoring my whole self, the decision was easily made. I know I am a creative person…I know that living from myself is the way to navigate.

It wasn’t a painful choice…I gave up nothing and instead, gained much more.

And here is another thing I am very excited about…and that is working more with my husband and including him in on my business strategy.

I married someone that is quite brilliant about the things I am not so brilliant in…and its time I make some space for him to help us both grow together.

Mmmmmm……..that was nice to write.