Soul to Substance with Stacie Florer is now live!
Finally, after 10 years…I have figured out how to combine my love of self-expression by making jewelry (my substance) with my passion of connecting with people on a Soul level..
I have spent the last few years studying about and becoming a certified Human Design Guide.
A few weeks ago I attended my last class for my certification, and began working on this website to reflect the direction my life is moving towards.
I also moved my studio out of my house, and found an amazing little space in downtown Roanoke to work out of! And…I joined the local YMCA and every afternoon I walk across the street and swim for an hour.
The story about the true-me that I have worked hard to uncover from the not-me facade is beginning to emerge in a very physical way.
I needed an outlet for my creativity as well as a means to get some exercise in a form that I love.
And it all came about in an organic way by following my strategy of staying in response to life. I’ll write about that later this week.
I feel so much better on so many levels…and my life has the differentiation and structure that is correct for me.
I am about to dash off to my studio, but this morning I wanted to check in and get this new website up and running. I will be fiddling with it as I move forward, and showing up here to write more about my work as a Guide and Artist.
But for now…hello again…
And thank you for the love and support so many of you have expressed via my instagram feed while I’ve processed and changed over the last couple of years.
My mother is the family historian. She has spent hours looking into the details of where our ancestors came from, and imagines what their life was like back in the day.
From what I can put together, my DNA is a sacred blend of of tribal ancestry and Britannia comprised of Cherokee, Ouachita or Caddo, English and possibly Scottish. One thing is for certain–there are many grafts in my diverse family tree!
For as long as I can remember, I’ve primarily had two great interests: All things Great Britain, and all things Native American.
The first foreign country I traveled to was Great Britain. I spent many hours just walking the lanes and countryside of England, Scotland and Ireland. Rounding a bend and seeing a great castle or grand home captivated my imagination about what it was to live in such an enchanting, albeit harsh, environment depending on your socio-economic status.
I’m a Jane Austen addict…I have watched every version of Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Emma and Persuasion ever made…and I never tire of them.
I love the architecture of the period and the clothing…the hanging of herbs out to dry and the English country gardens.
When Daniel Day Lewis starred with Russell Means, Wes Studi, Eric Schweig and Madeline Stow in The Last of the Mohicans, it was the cinematic jackpot for me. Any movie where these two wildly different cultures interact and I can witness a small slice of the dynamics in creating a melting pot with different collective, individual and tribal ideals is something that I’ve always, always, been interested in.
I have spent a lot of time in the Southeast and the Southwest…walking over land that has been inhabited for thousands of years, peering into the remnants of the past where life was lived closer to the ground and there wasn’t much sense of ‘the future’, since the present took care of it. I imagine this period of time where bodies lived close together and care and respect for the young ones and elderly was considered a primary responsibility for the continuity of the tribe.
I am equally at home in a refined hotel lobby sipping tea at 4pm or out in the woods, observing nature and merging with it. I contemplate both sides of this cultural coin daily…mostly through my work as a jewelry designer and also as an up and coming Human Design Analyst.
I was reading yesterday where the respected Native American metalsmith, Ben Nighthorse Campbell, learned how to incorporate sword-making techniques from Japan in order to more fully express his ideas of Native American art jewelry into the world. Native American metalsmith’s from the Southwest learned their craft from the Spanish traders and explorers that traveled through…and on and on it goes.
I’ve picked up ideas and techniques from everyone that I’ve interacted with and merged them together into a particular expression of what interests me…that is how evolution works.
Life on this planet depends on interaction and trading…viruses and bacteria are always looking for ways to grow and evolve by hitching a ride on us, and exchanging their biological information with other bacteria and viruses they come in contact with. Our planet, like a single cell, is constantly exchanging material with what falls to earth from space, and our oceans send bacteria back out into space via atmospheric cloud making…this exchange is what LIFE is.
I embrace this exchange in all of its forms. Every culture appropriates from other cultures. Every cellular form of life appropriates genetic material from the others it encounters. I appropriate certain energies from all the people that I come into contact via my electromagnetic aura…or invisible skin. And so do you.
To not do this is DEATH. This exchange is the only way something NEW comes into being via evolution. Nature is all about appropriation.
I’m not naive enough to believe that appropriation shouldn’t at least involve attribution…in the economic sense, as well as the creative sense too…acknowledging that you are evolving something you feel inclined to express because of an interaction you had with someone else feels like good karma to me. That part of appropriation is still being worked out in the monetary sense as our world becomes much smaller.
But I believe the wrong way to go about it is to STOP it altogether.
One more short story about this from my own backyard…
The other day I was feeding my jays and crows their morning snack of unshelled raw peanuts. While I was still outside, I heard the call of a hawk right over my head. I looked up and didn’t spot the hawk, but I did see a blue jay. As I watched him, I observed him open his mouth and perfectly mimic the sound of a bird of prey. He was trying to scare away a couple of squirrels that were grabbing the nuts by using another voice.
Appropriation in action…right in my backyard.
This is a series of posts sharing about my journey into discovering my Human Design Mechanics.
When I decided to leave the boating world, I moved back to my home state of Arkansas. I reconnected with an old boyfriend I had all through high school, and thought it ‘was time’ to settle down and ‘get serious’ about my life.
I remember, at 25 years of age, feeling this intense pressure to stop traveling and enjoying myself doing what I absolutely loved; and instead, go to college, get married and get busy with starting a family.
Looking back at that time…it wasn’t what I really wanted to do; it was something that I felt I was supposed to do.
That is called conditioning, and we all are conditioned in certain ways for behaviors and decision-making that are not really coming from the core of who we are. Even though my boyfriend was an amazing young man, he started trying to control what I said or shared with those that we started to form friendships with together as a couple.
He didn’t have much curiosity about what I did for those few years I traveled, who I met or where I traveled. He wanted to pick right up from where we stopped when I was 19 or so, which felt disempowering to me at the time.
We stayed together for a few months, then broke up when we determined we had grown too far apart, and I found out he was still in love with his ex-wife.
I was devastated, and confused about what to do next.
I remember going to the bookstore and picking up one of those self-help books about making the life you want by setting goals and pushing for the what you want.
What I really wanted was to experience the synchronistic lifestyle that I lived for those few magical years while I was traveling; but again, I didn’t understand the mechanics about how I had achieved that at the time.
Now I know.
I am designed to respond to life, not initiate things. If I want to experience something in particular, it is not so much up to me to decide how that comes into my life, but I wait and see what I respond to and that wanted experience happens in such a way that far surpasses any expectations I might have tried to form.
When I push, or initiate action when not in response, I run into all sorts of problems.
I decided at that time in my life to pursue a career in sales. So I pushed, pushed, pushed according to the principles in that book I bought.
I thought I wanted to sell cosmetology products to salons, since I had been trained as a hairdresser right out of high school, and I approached a company that used to call on the salon I worked in a few years earlier.
The owner said he was going to open up a sales territory in Memphis, TN and that he would hire me to get it going. At the time, I thought pushing was working out in my favor!
I took out a small loan from a bank to pay for the move, and moved into an apartment in Memphis to start my new job.
A few months later, my boss informs me that the company is folding up and that my services were no longer needed. I was out of a job in my new city; I had a loan payment and fairly high rent to pay and I was absolutely alone.
In my loneliness, I decided to initiate action to get a dog from the pound. I went to the pound, and fell in love with a skinny mutt that looked like a little fox. I took her home, and a week later she was dead from undiagnosed distemper.
By this time I was really panicked. I couldn’t find a job and I had bills due. So, I hawked anything and everything (which was not much) I had so that I could pay my rent. The only thing I had left in my apartment was an ironing board and my bed, and I used the ironing board as my table.
It was a terrifically low point in my life. I lived next to a really nice neighborhood and would often walk around it, dreaming about living in a home with furniture and not feeling terrified about how to take care of myself.
At this point, I was feeling the crunch of bills needing to be paid, and without a college education or any marketable skills for dry land, I decided to approach restaurants and try and get a waitressing job.
I landed one, and ended up in a relationship with someone that was a customer that turned out to be another disaster. I was married to him for a year, and ended up leaving him when I realized that it wasn’t normal to be timed when I went to the grocery store to see if I was out screwing someone else.
I remember leaving Memphis and throwing my wedding ring out the window as I was crossing the Mississippi River, determined to try and figure out where I went so wrong. What was I doing that made life so hard after experiencing a life that was so easy and effortless?
What was the secret sauce?
I have been looking for the answer to that question for myself for 30 years. A couple of years ago, I was introduced to a system that immediately resonated with me and that system of understanding yourself is called Human Design.
I am a being that is designed to live in RESPONSE to what life brings me, and not initiate.
By responding to my environment and waiting for opportunities to come toward me instead of me chasing them, life works with a rhythm and synchronicity that feels more like floating down a river and enjoying the ride and view, instead of paddling upstream, exhausted and frustrated because you are going nowhere.
I learned early in my adult life that pushing and initiating didn’t seem to get me far. I recognized it, but didn’t know what to do about it.
I felt like something was terribly wrong with me because I wasn’t seeing the same sort of success and satisfaction from my life that my some of my peers and family were…it was a difficult time for me before I was 30.
It was an intense time of trial and error…seeing what worked and what didn’t, trying to figure out why I was having such extreme experiences! And why was I always moving? My life up to that point was also about moving…moving…moving!
Before I left for the boats, I lived in Chicago and several other places in Arkansas. My life was in a constant state of flux.
So many things about my life fell into place once I learned how I operate consciously, as well as unconsciously.
In my next post, I will share how I met Shayne and why I believe our relationship has stayed the course based on what I know now about our shared mechanics.
“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!” ― C. JoyBell C.
There is so much that I want to share here, but nobody likes long posts anymore, so I thought I would start a series of short posts…and describe to those of you that are interested a story of transformation and what it looks like from the inside out.
It’s a long story…but I think a really good one!
My story of awakening to who I am began about 30 years ago. For me, it was an opening of sorts, a seeing around the edges of the reality that we have all pretty much agreed to participate in, but I saw something else operating that puzzled me.
I had no framework to put my experiences in when I first became aware of life bringing me what I needed, without much effort, or any really, on my part.
When I was around 21, I was watching an Oprah show about the men in Alaska, and what life was like for women that chose to live there.
I wanted to go and see it for myself…but how?
I had no money, no formal education and I had never been further west than Oklahoma.
How would I get there? What would I do when I got there? How would I take care of myself?
I had no answers. I had no pathway…I just juiced my desire with lots of emotional energy and let it go.
About two weeks later, I was at the mall and ran into a good friend from High School. She asked me to eat lunch with her, and I responded with an enthusiastic yes.
As we were eating, a guy walks by and recognizes my friend, and she asks him to join us. He does…and my life changed in an instant.
I noticed he had a carabiner hanging from his belt loop. It’s a little tool that rock climbers use, and as I had been rappelling with my step-brother at the time, I asked him if he was a climber too.
He said no, he didn’t use if for rock climbing, he used it to strap into a sling when he was working as a deckhand on a small ship in Alaska for putting bow plates on when the ship experienced rough weather.
My heart stopped…he worked on a small ship in Alaska? An opportunity!
I quizzed him further about how one gets a job on a small ship like the one he worked on, and he wrote down the name of a woman to contact in Seattle, and so I did.
A few months later, I was working on a ship in Alaska. I was making good money, I loved the ocean and the people that I worked with, and I saw all of Southeast Alaska over a period of two years.
During that magical time in my life, I responded to opportunities that life brought to me and used that as my navigation system. It was an effortless and zen way of living that stayed with me…but when I came back to Arkansas after that two years, my magical way of living came to an abrupt halt.
I went against my mechanics…and I paid a big price for that…
I succumbed to the conditioned idea that in order to make something of myself, I needed to push for what I wanted, instead of wait and let life bring me opportunities and feel whether or not they were the ‘right’ opportunities for me over time.
My life took a turn for the worst…and I made a series of mistakes that took years to overcome.
In my next post, I will discuss what those mistakes were, what I mean about ‘my mechanics’ and how my life experiences served to teach me how to live as myself.
It took about 30 years for my ‘AHA!’ moment…and I want to give you some of my backstory so you can see the progression and what led me to where I am now.
“This is the real secret of life — to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play.” ― Alan W. Watts
This was my first week in the studio in over two years!
It wasn’t as productive as I would have hoped for, but I really enjoyed being back ‘at it’.
Something that I’ve learned about myself via my own experience as well as through Human Design, is that I am the most creative when working alone.
Many years ago, when I was grappling with the idea of what to do creatively, I was suffering from intense anxiety.
I was at a crossroads in my life…I had a job that paid very well, but it was not satisfying at all. I felt a pull towards something, but was frustrated because I didn’t know where the pull was coming from, nor what it was compelling me to do.
When we were still living in Oregon, I was walking downtown in Springfield on my lunch break, and happened upon a jeweler who was working at his bench. I could see him through the window of his shop, and something just clicked. That’s what I want to do. That is my IT!
What was it that I reacted to so strongly?
He was alone and immersed in his creativity to the exclusion of everyone else. I could see him…observe his process…but he was so immersed I was invisible to him.
As children, if we had a decent childhood, we natively understood play. Playing is often a solitary activity that allows for complete immersion in the here and now. It’s the closest I’ve really ever come to understanding true communion with the source of where I believe I came from.
Play is the doorway to enter into the space where one’s purpose can be found.
When my anxiety was so debilitating, I went to see a therapist. After about 5 sessions, she told me something that has stuck with me and that I’ve shared with those that are interested in arresting their own anxiety about this idea of purpose.
She said, “When you don’t have to do anything, like housework or other life responsibilities, observe where you tend to spend the most of your time and follow that. Do more of that…that will lead you to your purpose.”
After that session, I never went back.
Anxiety is our mind reacting to fear about the future. When you are immersed in the present, you teach your mind to stay where it belongs…right here, right now.
So go play…and see where it leads!
Live from yourself and you will have no problem deciding between right and wrong. Only the self-divided must make painful choices. A carnation never chooses because it never tries to prove it is a lily. Vernon Howard
New beginnings are about not playing it safe. At least, that’s been my own experience, and I seem to attract new beginnings.
I carry the 3 in my Human Design chart in both my Personality Earth sign, and in my North Node. New Beginning energy is, and has been, a huge part of my life.
According to the I Ching, or Book of Changes, Hexagram 3 is about the energy needed to sprout. If you think about that, an enormous amount of energy is required to break through the surface towards the sun. However, before that can happen, a lot of energy is required for a root system to grow first.
That desire to anchor oneself first before upward growth can occur has played a huge part in my life over the last few years, and it took me until the last couple to understand it from an experiential perspective.
I am rooted, and this year feels like the time to reach for the sun.
As I look back, I see that the last 10 years have involved great growth, but it was in fits and starts. There was no tap root, and the wind carried away my efforts as far as building a business around fabricating jewelry when it blew hard enough.
I was so expended…and exhausted from it all.
It takes a solid commitment to Self, a peculiar constancy, to stay the course when it comes to living as a creative person. I believe creativity applies to all areas of our experiences…not just making stuff.
I will no longer be working at the Natural Foods store as a salesperson, and instead, I will be handling the marketing of the store on a part/part-time basis from my office at home. I decided, and embraced, the opportunity to go full-monty with my jewelry business as well as what I am starting as far as becoming a Human Design Guide.
But I needed the flexibility and the time to work from home full-time to do this the right way.
I attend a spiritual group once a week, and a few weeks ago, a member of the group remarked that sometimes we may find ourselves in the middle of an answered prayer while waiting for our prayers to be answered.
That so resonated with me…I needed more flexibility, but didn’t want to sever my connection to my part-time job because I love it, along with the people that I work with. I talked to the owner, and we came to an agreement that I believe will work to the best interest of us both.
Emotionally, I knew that it was time to make a new start, and by honoring my whole self, the decision was easily made. I know I am a creative person…I know that living from myself is the way to navigate.
It wasn’t a painful choice…I gave up nothing and instead, gained much more.
And here is another thing I am very excited about…and that is working more with my husband and including him in on my business strategy.
I married someone that is quite brilliant about the things I am not so brilliant in…and its time I make some space for him to help us both grow together.
Mmmmmm……..that was nice to write.
Do you suffer from lack of sleep due to a racing mind?
As you may recall, I decided about 6 months ago to take on a part-time position with a local health food store, and it has turned out to be one of the best decisions I could have made because of all the great information and people I am exposed to weekly.
I enter into many conversations with customers about problems sleeping because ‘their minds won’t turn off’ and the incessant loops of thoughts keep them up at night, or, they can fall asleep, but they wake up with this loop of thoughts preventing them from going back to sleep.
We all have thousands of thoughts moving through our minds daily…some of them are really mundane, while others are profound.
I’ve found that if you are not pulling out the mundane thoughts, like unwanted and scraggly weeds, your thought-garden gets too clogged up to allow the profound and life-enhancing thoughts any room to grow and go to seed.
One method that works for me is dumping what I hear in my head on paper for about 25 minutes and then throwing the paper away.
What do I mean by dumping what I hear in my head?
Literally, for 20 or 25 minutes, I sit at my dining room table with a pad and pen, and write down what I ‘hear’ going on in my head. I don’t judge the words, I don’t try and think about what I am writing. I just get out the random thoughts.
If I am nervous or tense about something, I usually do this exercise at night before I turn in.
Did my heart just skip a beat? Is that ok? What do I need to make for Cam’s next dinner so that she doesn’t have to worry about cooking while she is getting to know her new baby? What can I use instead of aluminum foil so she can reheat a Mexican casserole in the oven? What can I do to get rid of the hundreds of curly worms in the basement? Does that weird smell in the basement have anything to do with the worm bin? Did Shayne feed the worms this week? Do I need to let him know where to plant the new Hydrangia? Do I need to tell him how deep to dig the hole? Should we amend the soil?
And this goes on and on for 20 more minutes as you watch where your mind goes, and what is it is currently preoccupied with. I usually crumple up the paper after I am done and just throw it away.
Sometimes a question or observation will pop up that needs more attention, but usually the stuff I am worried about, or that is on my mind, are things that will be taken care of when the present moment has the energy and inclination to deal with it.
Once those thoughts that keep you up at night are weeded out of your mind, you can sleep.
The looping happens because you are habitually thinking about things that you most likely have no control over in the middle of the night, and they just need to be pulled out and briefly examined.
I often find that the answers to my looping thoughts will quickly come up to the surface once I give them a little life on the page.
I believe it has something to do with acknowledging them…like a little kid that is constantly trying to get your attention. Once you acknowledge the thoughts…they quieten down and stop aggravating you to tend to them.
Over the years, with this practice, I have noticed a profound peace as it pertains to the chatter in my mind. By pulling out the weedy thoughts, I have developed a sense of trust that the answers to my questions will be answered when the time is right.
Now I trust I will know what to do when the situation that I am worried about actually shows up in my physical experience.
This also helps you cultivate within yourself a deep sense of patience. With patience, trust in the natural flow of life happens naturally and your mind relaxes and stops provoking you to pay attention to it.
When I first started experiencing long periods of time where the voice in my head was quiet, it was startling. It happened rather spontaneously about 5 years ago.
I remember calling my brother wondering whether or not I was beginning to experience dementia. The chatter in my head was silent!
When I was living in Chattanooga, I was first introduced to this practice of writing down what you hear in your head and leaving it on the page.
After doing it for a while, I noticed that my sense of worry about the future diminished greatly, and I was able to focus on what was immediately in front of me instead of projecting thoughts into the future.
By remaining present, and focusing on what is immediately in front of me, my future has taken care of itself, and I find that I am for the most part, happy and content with a sense of deep fulfillment. I laugh a lot, and feel much more grounded.
If you are plagued with a mind that likes to poke you while you try and sleep, I hope that this little exercise helps you get your sleep back…stay with it and watch what happens!
Have you ever considered how to buy post earrings when shopping for them?
One of the neat things about purchasing earrings from someone who handcrafts them are the options available to you with regard to post size and placement.
Standard, commercial posts that you can buy in a department store will most likely measure about 3/8 of an inch long.
That is great if you have standard ear lobes…but not everyone is made the same, are they?
My ear lobes are pretty fleshy. When I made post earrings for myself, I use 1/2 inch posts instead of the 3/8 inch that are standard. I need that extra length for a comfortable fit. I don’t like the butterfly nut to be at the edge of the outside of the post.
In jewelry, a mm or 1/8 of an inch can make a big, big difference in comfort or fit.
For your butterfly ear nuts, you can adjust the size of them (the tightness or looseness) by slightly adjusting the two “wings”. I usually use a small pair of pliers to do this. When I send out my post earrings, I make sure that the ear nuts fit snugly, but not so tight that you might bend the post when you put them on or take them off.
Another thing to consider when buying post earrings is where is the best place for the post to be soldered to on the back of the earring?
If a woman has stretched piercings, placing the post on the very top of a fairly substantial pair of post earrings may not be that attractive. If the post is soldered too high, the earring will sag down, highlighting the fact that the piercing is stretched. Nobody wants to highlight any part of their body that is sagging!! Especially around their face!
No, a better placement would be to solder it closer to the middle, which allows the top portion of the earring to cover up the stretched out piercing. For many woman, as we age, skin starts to drift down and get looser (ok, I’m talking sagging here!). Especially ear piercings if we survived the huge earrings in the 80′s that were so popular!
When communicating what you want in a pair of earrings, it helps me to know what your particular issue is. I like to problem solve so you can feel comfortable knowing your earrings are going to complement your features and not detract from them.
If you have multiple piercings on one ear, you can buy a mixed pair of earring studs from me too…just let me know what you are interested in doing, and I’ll get you fixed up! I have a friend that has around 6 piercings in one ear, and I use the 3/8 ” post size for those.
If you are considering purchasing a pair of Post Earrings from me and want to discuss fabrication further before you order, email me! stacie(at)stacieflorer.com
Three weeks ago today I came home from the hospital after having a total hysterectomy via the Da Vinci Robotic System.
Thought I would write about this experience via my physical, mental and spiritual perspective thus far…and if anyone else that happens across this post is contemplating a hysterectomy via this method, I hope that my candor about my own experience will be helpful in your own research. So…warning…this post is pretty candid!
The surgery itself was a breeze. I had 4 holes punched in my stomach, measuring about 4 mm each. They inserted robotic arms in my lower abdomen and the surgeon controlled the arms from a computer station away from my body. Everyone that had anything to do with me during my hospital stay were tender, professional and very caring. They truly love what they do and it showed.
My surgery lasted about 2.5 hours…I was in recovery for a couple of hours, then I was wheeled up to my hospital room. I had a catheter and oxygen almost up until the time I was discharged the next day. Overall…the experience of surgery wasn’t nearly as bad as I had imagined. I was fairly comfortable (as comfortable as you can be with a catheter) and was able to ride home fairly well with a pillow around my abdomen for support.
As soon as I got home, I took a shower and went to bed. Getting up and out of bed has been the most challenging part of this whole experience. Shayne gave me his hiking pole and that helped a lot, but for the first 10 days or so, he had to put his arms around me and lift me up to a sitting position. No core strength at all!
I think the scariest hurdle I had to jump was using the bathroom for the first time after surgery. Since I have a vaginal cuff, there is the risk of popping the sutures if you get constipated. For some reason, that warning in my discharge papers really made me nervous, so as soon as I was home, I started sucking down some soluble fiber in pretty vast quantities to insure I didn’t get constipated. It took about 4 days before my intestines came online and worked again…but the ‘event’ turned out not to be as stressful as I had feared.
I think the best way to describe how my lower abdomen feels is ‘wonky’. Things were moved a bit and now, this week especially, they seem to be trying to find their final resting place. I still need a couple of naps per day. And I am taking pain meds on an as needed basis. I can usually motor through the day ok without any pain, but at night, it tends to get fairly rough. Sleeping with no pain meds happened once this week at night, and at 3am I was awakened with pain and a general feeling of being very uncomfortable.
My belly feels very different…from a physical standpoint. My uterus was about the size of someone 3 or 4 months pregnant. Now that its gone, even though I still have a swelly belly from the surgery, I can definitely ‘see’ the difference, as well as feel the difference. I really do feel lighter. People that have visited me say that I look lighter…I think that is more from an energetic perspective, though.
The decision to have the surgery was surprising. I initially went to my gynocologist because I was having post-menopausal bleeding and discharge. I have been post-menopausal for 7 years, and when you have something unusual happening down there, it’s good to get it checked out.
I knew I had fibroids, but during the ultrasound, I saw that they had actually grown from the last time I had that test done. They couldn’t see my left ovary, and one of the fibroids was pretty large. I was having some other issues too, that shouldn’t really be happening for at least 100 more years (haha)…and when my doctor suggested we discuss my options, I was surprised at how receptive I was to having them finally removed.
It had been suggested to me before, but I always said no. This time, my body said yes, because I immediately responded to the idea of doing it. My mind was like, “What the hell? You don’t believe in surgery unless its life-threatening!” but something clicked and I was not in any way apprehensive about doing it.
I only had two questions that gave me any pause about this decision,
- How do they take the uterus out? Through the holes? Or through my vagina?
- Am I grounded when they hook me up to the robot? Is there any way that it can do what it wants to instead of the surgeon directing it?
My doctor, a man about my age, was super cool about explaining how it worked, and I was amused that the only thing I would ever give birth to would be my own reproductive system.
I was initially worried about the size of those fibroids coming through my birth canal, but he assured me that a baby’s head was about 10 cm and my fibroid-riddled uterus would fit.
I tried to find as much humor in this experience as I could. That is my way of dealing with the unknown, generally.
And he assured me that he was in total control and that I would have a grounding pad on, so that was very reassuring. The idea of getting electrocuted did give me pause…
Mentally, I felt like the decision was right for me. And I still believe that it was the right decision after the fact.
This perspective is not as easy to articulate as the other two are.
I feel like this part of my life is a pivot point. Physically removing my womb has had an impact on me on that deep soul level. It doesn’t have anything to do with my lifelong decision to not be a mother to my own children. I was good with that decision long before I even went into menopause.
Our reproductive organs represent life force energy…the place in our bodies where we as women have enough energy to make and support a baby. Did I just remove a vital part of my own life force?
I don’t know yet.
Who am I without my reproductive system? And what value does, or did, my reproductive system have to me now, at this stage in my life?
I just don’t know yet. This is the part that will take time to understand and come to terms with.
I don’t think it is any coincidence that my creative output as it pertains to jewelry has been about the growth cycles found in nature.
It is all connected, I see that now. I also recognize that I have entered a new phase of my own growth cycle.
I wonder about what is ahead…and I wonder about what new insights I will uncover as I continue to process this.
Thank you for all your well wishes on Instagram and the nice emails…
Dancing Buds, Sterling Silver Earrings by Stacie Florer 2017
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Elizabeth Appell
As I look out my window, I see OLD trees starting to form buds in anticipation of longer, sun-lit days and warmer weather.
It occurred to me that those trees, at least most of them, have been around longer than I have; yet, they still produce buds every year, with the promise of blossoming.
It isn’t about endurance. I believe its more about trust. Trusting in the wisdom of the seasons, and that just because one year passes, doesn’t mean that the season to blossom is permanently over.
Our culture perpetuates this myth that blossoming is only for the young. But nature insists that blossoming happens when the right environmental conditions are met, regardless of age.
Ahh…isn’t that wonderful to contemplate? Just a little turn of the mind…a bit of noticing about the reality that just IS when we slow down enough to really notice our lives and our place in the natural process of living.
I have a scraggly lavender plant that I have been trying to keep alive inside my home while winter gives way to spring. The environmental conditions are absolutely terrible for it…no sun as my house is rather dark; no wind to strengthen her so I lightly stroke her leaves whenever I pass by on my way out the door. I can give her warmth; I can pretend there is wind, but I can’t possibly replicate the natural environment she needs to thrive and grow.
I am just giving her enough to stay alive, but her potential is on hold. The way she looks reminds me of how I feel when my environment is not allowing me to thrive.
Do you know what your particular environment must be to bud, unfurl and lean towards the light?
Forming your root system
For this stage in my life, I knew a few years ago that I needed a stable, physical place to form my foundation. After living on the wind, a home was now necessary for me to put down a root system. I was ready to land.
For many, many years, I lived like the annual. I had a shallow root system, and most of my energy was being put into seeding those I came into contact with new ideas that were potentially mutative for them.
While I was ‘on the move’, I befriended so many that were in places of transition. Energetically, this pattern of acquiring experiences with people that were undergoing tremendous change kept repeating itself. I noticed it, and took note.
Our friendships bloomed so quickly…a great sudden burst of energy! I loved it! But either I would move or they would move..and the great thrust of pent up energy was gone again.
For the time, it was correct for me to live like that.
But when it was time for me to change my environment, I felt it in a very deep way. I couldn’t seem to replenish myself for the energy needed to keep producing those seeds from shallow roots. Instinctively, I knew it was time to work on my own root system.
Over the last year or so, I have used my energy in a much different way. It is so much slower than before!
I met a few people my first year..mostly those in my neighborhood. Close to my rooting system…I didn’t venture out that far from where I was most needed energetically. Although many of my friends and family did visit us…and that was quite novel!
As those people in my life that have been so important to me while I was on the wind traveled through, I watched where they wanted to congregate for communion in my home.
In those areas, I have developed the environment to help support conversations and closeness. I am using gorgeous crystals from my home state of Arkansas to help amplify those areas energetically as well as choosing paint colors to promote warmth, security and safety.
Where they sleep while here, I have lovingly attended to developing a cozy place for them to rest and recover.
My jewelry studio environmentally needs some help..I have noticed that I haven’t quite tweaked it to where it will support my deep rooted desires creatively..but that will continue to develop slowly before it is ready to bloom.
And I’m ok with the longer timeframe. I am struggling with getting rid of the shallow rooted way of thinking about my work environment!
What does your physical environment reflect back to you regarding your own root system? Is it shallow like the annual, or deep like the perennial? Or somewhere in-between like the biannual?
All three of these root systems have a purpose…but what happens when your particular root system no longer works for you and you stop thriving?
Your nights probably become shorter (sleep issues anyone?) and the desire for a new environment starts to really take hold (daydreaming replaces night-dreaming).
As to the flip side of this notion, I have observed friends that have very deep root systems, but they are no longer able to form new buds and bloom. The old ideas of themselves are dying within; and its time for them to put their energy into forming new life seeds and reproducing their essence elsewhere.
Sometimes, a deeply rooted being provides much shade for those around them, and those people aren’t interested in stepping into their own light at the expense of losing the shade that you may provide. That can be a very difficult transition to make.
There is a time for many where it is now correct for them to take to the wind and see where they land to start anew. Shallow rooted plants often produce the most gorgeous, life-infused blooms!
I know what it is to ride the wind…to live with a heart-quickened existence. Possessions are light, keys are few on the keychain and total immersion in experiences is vital as great amounts of energy are collected to produce something new.
Shallow or deep, or somewhere in between, all of them are necessary to us as we continue to evolve and grow.
But blooming requires so many things…and none of them are dependent upon the age we are! Our roots just have to support our intentions, and our environment must nourish and support our ideals…and then the buds will set, and we will be in a place to unfurl.
Simple, but not easy!